Loneliness

Do you know what loneliness is? How could you feel lonely when you are surrounded by so many people? In fact, how could you feel lonely when you are surrounded by so many people that you know? Let me tell you a story.

I've been living alone in a studio for two years now. All by myself. When I get back to my apartment from work the first thing that I see when I open my door is my bed. No one is there to greet me. Everything that is there when I shove that door far enough inwards so that the door gets stopped by the unleveled carpet isn't living. Except for my new PS3. She has a soul and a heart and she is very much alive. But apart from her, when I get back to my apartment, sometimes from a long day at work, I find myself in an empty apartment and ALL that I have is myself.

Food is not on the table when I get back. I'm hungry and I'm tired at times and I have nothing to eat. There are chain restaurants nearby my apartment. However, after being here for two years and skipping one restaurant to the next it eventually becomes a pattern and you cycle through the same ones. What about cooking myself you say? I do cook for myself. It's called the two minute microwave of hot dogs.

Before, when I had shower curtains that were not see through, I'd always have this tiny little scary voice inside me telling me to be prepared to fight the boogieman once I pull the shower curtains open. I would pull open the shower curtains with might, knowing there really isn't some scary person there, but still my heart races every single time.

At night times, I would watch TV shows by myself. ABC, Fox Sports, NBC, CBS, you name it. I watch all of em. I'd go cuddle up on my couch with the extra pillow that I place on my bed but never sleep with. Sometimes there will be really funny scenes from shows like Family Guy and How I Met Your Mother but I find myself laughing alone. And after I laugh I feel so stupid cause why am I laughing in the first place? Why are you laughing Adam Johari? No one is here to hear it! My mind would think about how those live audiences in studios would laugh as a cue for people watching at TV to laugh. I am the live audience. But I have no TV viewers.

It's funny how loneliness can creep at you. You feel most lonely when you are tired and weak. But the next morning when you wake up, you don't feel that lonely. At least that's me.

I guess the moral of the story is. If you have a choice to not be by yourself. To not let your mind go racing wild because of the void. Take the time to choose not to be by yourself. Having your alone time is fine. Just don't make it a routine. I know what true loneliness is now. But hey, in all honesty I'm an emotionally strong person. Other people. I don't know.